Alone.
2003-03-21, 9:32 p.m.

I feel so empty. And I just had d�j� vu. Whatever. I don�t entirely understand what�s causing my emptiness tonight, though the discussion of Janay's possible boyfriend probably plays a role in it.

It seems that Janay likes Nathan, a guy I mentioned about two years ago. He was Victor's friend. One of his best friends, if I'm not mistaken. He's got blonde hair, which Janay tells me he's trying to force them to become dreads, and blue/hazel eyes if my memory serves me correctly.

Anyway, it seems that they might be going out one day, and very soon at that. I figured that I'd get into a relationship before her. After all, she's in love with a dude from Maryland who she communicates to online. They are currently in a I'll-say-I'm-with-you-until-I-find-someone-nearby kind of relationship, as weird as it sounds. They've been doing that for about two years now.

But having the possibility that Janay will find a guy here in Miami before I do is... well, slightly depressing. I mean, I love Janay. She's cool and all, but I'd always thought I'd meet someone before her. But who do I get stuck with? A Jewish, short-ass pervert who's completely opposite to me and only uses me for a little fun. Sure, I've never kissed him, but his horny behind will find ways to satisfy himself (somewhat) with my torture.

It's not like I feel uncomfortable with him grabbing me like I used to. I've adapted, as I did when I was twelve. That kind of treatment is not new to me. I'd learn to keep it from hurting me or bringing me down and I did the same withhim. Normally, I wouldn't have tolerated that shit, regardless if I felt comfortable with it or not. But because I have feelings for him it's almost as if... well... I don't know. I want him to do it? I wish I knew.

I'm just tired of being alone.

last - next