Gr.
2003-04-01, 1:09 a.m.

You'd think I would have a life, living in Miami and all. The endless beaches... teen clubs ... hundreds of hangouts... people to see (and to meet), parties to go to. God, the possibilities are endless.

Yet on spring break where am I? At home, listening to a friend blame me because he's gay.

Yes. I told my friend he was gay (as a joke and only because he called me a slut) and now it's my fault that he is. Damn you, Ben. How is it my fault you have a crush on some boy?

I'm flattered that he told me, really. At least he trusts me enough to tell me.. I feel bad for him, though. He and the rest of his family is extremely religious. They don't associate with those who aren't, which is why he hasn't told his parents about my religious beliefs (or lack thereof). Just imagine what will happen when he tells his parents. He'll probably be disowned. *sigh*

And what's really, really bad about him liking a boy... I know who th' kid is! He's a saxophonist at the middle school I used to attend. Ben made me call the boy (he knows his number by heart) to say hi. Poor kid. Has no clue that my friend has a crush on him.

Now, I have nothing against homosexuals. Really. I may not enjoy watching them, err, "perform," but they can do as they please as long as it doesn't involve me. I don't want to be the hookup girl! If it was just a matter of introducing one another, I could understand. BUT. DO. NOT. ASK. ME. TO. HOOK. YOU. UP! God, I don't even hook up my straight friends!

In other news... I've got a date. Yep, yep. Finally this guy asked me out. And it took how long? Almost two years? Yep. I know, I know. He's really slow.

We're goin' to the movies. Surprise, surprise. Movies and then lunch. Or lunch and then the movies. It doesn't matter. Got it all planned out: We're seein' Dreamcatcher at Aventura Mall, goin' to the lunch area, and behave how we normally behave. It should be fun.

I'm not sure if I want it to lead where it seems to be heading, though. Don't get me wrong-- I like Lathan -- but God. It's been so long since I've been in a relationship. And he's young. What am I saying? I'm young!

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm bitching for no reason! I'm young! I'm supposed to be discovering who and what I am! Why am I filled with such ... fear? Yes, I realize that I'm nothin' but a big worrywart, afraid of being hurt and afraid of being alone. I can't take risks because of the possible negative outcomes.

I'd be jumping into a relationship, knowing it's doomed to fail. I don't expect to marry the guy, for goodness sakes! Hell, I'd be lucky if it lasts a month. After all, my previous relationships (Ah, preteen love ^_^) lasted but a month. Not one lasted longer. Not one!

I know many of my friends'll be cheering me on, though. Many have been teasing me about my little "drought," as they call it. Ok, so I've been single for two years. I was comfy where I was. Sure, I'd get a crush to pine over forever and many guys to flirt with, but there was never any need to show emotions. Which is great for me, really, because I'm not an emotional girl.

*sigh* I've got a lot to sleep on, I guess. Won't have much time to, though, because I'll be up by 6. Damn you, Lathan for keeping me on the phone 'til 1 AM.

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