James has got a crush
July 10, 2003, 9:06 p.m.

Mm. Camp was normal today. Nothing too serious or anything except for the talent show. It was pretty good. Many of the musicians were great, but some of 'em really sucked. Like me, for example. My solo bombed badly. I especially liked a guitarist that sang "Brown Eyes." She was a cutie.

Isaac went up and showed his stuff, which was surprising. I didn't know he was going to be in the show, but hey, one doesn't expect much from a guy that would love to have a career involved in sleeping. He did great! *sniffle* I'm so proud of him. Naturally, all the girls whooped and hollered 'cause he is one fine muthaf*cka.

Haha, let me stop.

But he sure is cute.

Anyway, I was set to perform too, but the clock was ticking away. Jessica, the lead counselor, warned the performers that not everyone will get to play because of the remaining classes after the show. At 5 'til 1, I was happy because the show was ending and I had not been called.

"...Last up will be Adriana and Allison playing a song titled 'Concerto in C Major'." D'oh!

So the two of us climbed on stage and started playing after a quick piano-flute tune-up. I screwed up a number of times, but I knew the audience wouldn't notice, so I just kept playing. Only one mistake was obvious: my E flat cracked. Adriana played perfectly, not surprisingly-- She didn't come here all the way from Spain because she sucked. I'm astonished she learned the piece so fast, since I gave it to her on Tuesday.

After the two of us finished the song, we were awarded with much more applause-- even moreso than the majority of the other players. Can't say I wasn't proud of myself or of Adriana.

All the hard work that a musician does is for the few moments of applause. Most of us sit there and study music day in and day out partially because we love doing so, and partially because we're performers-- we entertain others. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I practice just for the sake of entertaining others, and everytime I hear them applauding my hard work, I realize it was all worth it.

Anyway, yeah. So after the concert I kept getting bothered by everyone trying to compliment me. James kept making fun of me.

"Yeah. I hate her. She always complains about how she sucks at everything, and then she goes on and plays something like that."

I admitted that I made tons of mistakes that he probably didn't catch, but he brushed it off: "Mistakes my ass! I only heard one. That grace note! See, I hate people like you. 'Yeah,'" he mocked, "'I suck. Oh, let me play a little something just to show you how much I suck.'" And then he hummed this fast, difficult tune that I could never play.

I laughed it off and packed up, thanking those that passed by as they shot out their opinions of my performance. After a while I just got annoyed and a bit self-conscious, and I felt a bit bad because no one said anything to Adriana, so first I thanked her and congratulated her on a performance well done, and then I walked out with my head down so no one would recognize me.

Luckily, everyone quickly forgot (I hate being the center of attention) and life went back to normal. Thank God.

On the bus ride home, Isaac, James, me, and Carlyle squeezed in the back seat. James, Carlyle and I soon started various conversations branched out from the fact that I "talk about [myself] too much."

When Carlyle first told me that, my first instinct was to get defensive. Sensing my offense, he quickly explained that he meant that I lack self confidence about my appearance, and I often voice my opinions about my body. Drew's fault completely.

Anyway, he told me not to worry about my appearance so much. "If you had bigger boobs," he explained, "you wouldn't look right. Even if you had a B cup, they'd look too big. You're just petite-- that's all." I never told him my bra size, and I was kinda offended that he'd automatically assume that I was an A. But it's true, so I quickly dismissed the thought.

The conversation then drifted to how he said I'm a flirt, yet I'm terribly afraid to get physical with boys. I was surprised how Carlyle read me like a book. "Those types of people," he said, "either turn out to be virgins until they're 35 or sex addicts."

Then we started talking about how it's acceptable to see two lesbians making out, but how it's wrong according to 'Lyle and James for two guys to go at it.

"It's just gross. It's a man and then a man. Masculinity and masculinity. But ain't gonna lie," Carlyle added, "I kinda don't like to see two girls. It's like they're supposed to be mine. I can't get with either girl-- and the lesbians are usually the prettiest-- because they don't like guys. It's horrible."

After he got let off at his stop, James and I started talking and flirtin' as usual. Then I stretched out across him and Isaac so that my head was resting on Issac's lap, and my butt was on James. Isaac said that I should be lying on my stomach instead of my back, and I laughed. James, without realizing it, grabbed and held my hands. Mm. Methinks he's got a crush on me.

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