Hate
May 04, 2004, 11:45 p.m.

It seems that my leg is not the only thing bruised-- my soul is, as well.

I hate who I've become, and I the fact that I have no friends. I hate that I'm always depressed, and that I can never find comfort in those around me. I hate that I push away the few that want to help, though small in number they are.

When's the last time I used the phone for my own personal pleasure? I can't remember. Benji probably called in the middle of a homework assignment, or maybe Pi called me... but that was... last week? I can't even keep my time straight anymore.

It seems that my days just blur into eachother. Everyday is the same monotonous routine: I wake up, shower, bother my dogs, go to school, hang out with Pi, go to class and fail an assignment, go to band, go to class and either sit around doing nothing for an hour (Health) or fail yet another assignment (Algebra II), go to Physics, come home at 6 only to be piled with homework from the classes, plus a lab report, go to sleep at 12:30.

Every day it's the same thing and the same conversations and the same stupid occurances over and over. I'm tired of always having to work my ass of only to fail, and I'm tired of people only pretending to be my friends. I wish I could just start somewhere afresh and play dumb just to have people expect less from me.

I don't consider myself to be a strong person at all. I never completely hide my sadness--I'm always crumbling at the edges--but others are too damn self-centered to notice. It was even more apparent today, yet not one asked what was wrong with me, except for my boyfriend.

Why is it that only Pi seems to care for my own well-being than my own so-called best friends? If relationships are supposedly transitory and friendships are eternal, then why should he be concerned with my happiness moreso than the rest of you? Why should Pi be the only one that shows any empathy for any my problems?

God dammit, I really don't want to come off as self-centered, because I'm not anymore than a neglected child is.

*sigh* Forget it. This whole diary is fucking useless. It's not even a source for venting. Knowing that there are people reading this and sit around, acting as if I'm not talking about them pisses me off. So fine. No more D-land, no more livejournal. You are all cut off from my life, both in this mechanical world and in the real one.

Ta-ta.

Your eyes should be gray.. the same color you see
the world. You have faced many sorrows and
losses, but yet its starting to get to you.
You're depressed and lonely, so maybe it might
be time to go and find someone to talk to.

What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )
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