Rantings for the Teenage Soul
September 08, 2004, 10:30 p.m.

I always get this strong urge to update, but when I log onto D-land and click "Add an entry" in the left hand corner, the feeling disappears completely. Why does this happen? Why do I want to abandon my attempt of an entry?

Because I censor myself, that's why.

Generally, I think of the people who read my diary, which is around 10-20 people a day, give or take a few people on days that I don't update. Some of them are the people that exist in my everyday life. However, I can only count 6 or 7 of the people that I know who reads it. Even so, most of the people that know me don't really care to read about my true life and thoughts, and things I wish to share, because, well, you don't want that kind of image in your head.

For example, if I (hypothetically) say that I heavily made out with Pioneer, or that we went skinny dipping, or that we had sex in a romance-novel-esque type of way, or describing what showed up in my shit one fine afternoon, people would be scrunching their faces in disgust, thinking to themselves, "Ew, I don't want to hear that!" It's almost like listening to your parents do it. Hell, even if I talk about my period in this thing, it would be labelled "Too Much Info," and would likely spread across the magnet program.

Do I want that? Of course not. But why should I have to censor myself in my own diary? Why should I write everything for the public eye, when it is supposed to be a private recording of my thoughts? Why should I bother?

Because I'm a stoopid fool who doesn't like to be on everyone's gossip plate.

Actually, I've been juggling the idea of locking my diary. I don't know whether I'm going to go through with it, or whether it's just another random thought that will soon drift from my mind, and I won't talk about it again for maybe a few months or so.

You know what else irks me? How online diaries have become such a fad. How many of my friends had diaries on D-land? Most of them, including Pi, Jimmie, James, Kenny, Alfredo, Lexi, Benji, Liana, Melanie, and Laredis. How many update regularly-- and I mean real updates, not IM conversations--? One. Most have abandoned their diaries and haven't updated in forever (ie Liana, James, Alfredo), some update once in a blue moon (Kenny, Lexi, Laredis, Pi), one fills her diary with IM convos (Melanie), and one updates about once or twice a week (Benji). The only one who updates every day-- or, at least, once every couple of days-- is Jimmie, though his entries can't be considered true entries either; he tends to censor himself more than I do in fear of actually showing that he has a personality outside of being a white-infatuated homosexual African American.

Why has this become such a fad? Why would anyone start a diary, only to abandon it after a few weeks of updating? What's the point? It obviously served no purpose other than just for the sake of hopping on the bandwagon, so why even waste your time? Because it's cool?

I started this diary in seventh grade. Seventh grade! Every once in a while, I took a break from writing, but, excluding the missing few months or so between 7th and 8th grade, I announce when I shall take a break; I don't just slowly stop updating because I'm getting bored with it.

A diary isn't like Pokemon cards. They aren't some worthless collection of objects. They are thoughts, emotions, and occurences of the day that brought forth those thoughts. To show such little regards for it annoys me.

Alright, I'll stop my little bitching section about journals and censoring, and all this bullshit that I'm sure you care very little about.

I'll let you get back to your schoolwork and your social lives. Surely, that's more important than the rantings of a 16-year-old band geek/journal nerd.

Ta-ta.

last - next