If only I could think of a title...
2003-02-04, 12:17 a.m.

I think I�m just getting tired of Drew. Like, first he acts all flirtatious and whatnot, and then he acts totally disinterested. It�s not cool of him to treat me that way, nor is it fair. I�m not just something that can be played with. I�m not a toy and I don�t appreciate being treated like one. It�s funny how, you know, you can be interested in someone, and then the next minute *poof* feelings are replaced with annoyance and resentment. I mean, just a while ago I was mentioning how Drew flirted and crap, but now I don�t give a damn. I could care less. Hopefully, it will stay that way, too.

I always find it odd how I seem to develop feelings for the dumbest people, really. It�s like we don�t really make a good match, but still. I mean, look at Blacky (a nickname I�ve created for Drew. He insists that he�s really black. I dunno, I�ve never seen a black guy with green eyes). He�s just totally opposite from me. Hell, at the beginning of this school year if you were to tell me I�d be falling for him, I�d totally believe it. He seemed rather innocent at the time. If you told me that a week later I�d think you were insane. Not that I love him, mind you. It�s merely a schoolgirl crush.

Now, true love. That�s something different. Something special. Something I know I, at this point, know nothing about, and I don�t claim I do. I mean, the closest thing I�ve come to real love is Matt. The problem is, there are three strikes against him already, not that it�s his fault. It�s not. At all. They are: (1) He�s 800 miles or so away. There are two states between us. He�s th� dude in NC, I�m in Miami. C�mon, that�s a distance, man. Sure, he doesn�t live in Columbia -- I suppose that could be worse -- but I never get to see him �cept for pictures or his cam. (2) He�s 18. Yeap. If my mother didn�t trust my judgment, there�d be no way in Hell that she�d even let me meet him in th� first place. Luckily, she does (don�t know why). It�s everyone else *cough*MelodeJazzmyn*cough* that I�m worried about. Even now, people who have no damn clue who Matt is ask me if I have a current online relationship. And lastly, (3) dude�s white. Now, lord knows I aint one to discriminate (I�m mixed, so you know), but I tend to when choosing a partner. Too many times have I been teased for �acting like a race� not the same as my own. Along with acting a particular way, it�s expected of me to date certain kinds of guys. Matt -- and Drew, for that matter -- fit perfectly into what everyone else thinks I should be into.

Regardless, I still love him to death. I don�t care if he�s white or 18. He could be black, Native American, Asian -- whatever. It really doesn�t matter to me. What I know, all I need to know is that I love him. He�s the main one that�s been there for me, even if for the longest time I was just his little �backup friend�. He makes me laugh without being tasteless or stupid, and he shows that he cares, unlike some *ahem* people. I don�t know, I guess I�m lucky to have him.

You hear that, Matt? I love you. Get well soon, sweetie. *muah*

Hm. My first serious entry in a long time. That�s so surprising to me. Hm. Whatever. Goodnight/Goodmornin� to ya.

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