First day back to school
2003-04-07, 3:10 p.m.

I'm really pissed at myself for several reasons. It annoys me that I have no control over anything. But I don't understand why I have no control. I've been working on gaining that control for so long...

I have Honors Band auditions this Wednesday. I've been practicing for this thing since March, which really isn't long for rehearsing for an audition. However, I got everything pretty much down until last Wednesday. In case you didn't know, Wednesday was when I had my date with Lathan. Because I was with him all day, I didn't get a chance to practice, which ticked me off slightly -- not at him, but at myself.

The next day, as Melanie should recall, we went to Lathan's house and stayed there 'til 8:00. Although I had a great time with him I, again, did not get a chance to practice.

It's amazing how 2 days of practicing can cause me to fall a month behind. My chromatic scale doesn't sound the same, and my B-natural scale just will not play right. For some reason, I keep playing F# instead of F-natural during th' blasted thing. Damn thing.

That's not the only reason I'm mad at myself. Today I realized that I still do have some feelings for Drew. It was expected for them to disappear, but they didn't. And now I'm stuck wondering: how can I possibly devote everything to Lathan? I do like him a lot, and I don't expect to even try to go after Drew, but it just seems weird. I see Drew everyday, but Lathan's never around. Hell, we only have the phone to keep us connected.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a guy that lives 20 minutes away. Pathetic.

A sane, normal person wouldn't understand what I see in Drew. Hell, I don't even know what I like about him myself. One would say I'm just lusting for Drew because... well... he sure ain't unattractive, and he is a sex-crazed guy (even more than normal boys). And I'll be the first one to admit that, yeah, I am attracted to Drew, but I know the difference between lust and like.

Yes, I do, so leave me alone.

Speaking of boys, they-- my lunch buddies-- told me some disgusting unwanted information today. It's something I don't really need to know, nor do I care about it, but God. They're sick.

"Hey, have you ever masturbated in the tub?" asked Drew to no one in particular.

"Um.. That's gross," I pointed out.

"No, no. One time, while I was jackin' off, I ejaculated into the water. Ooh, that's nasty."

"Why'd you do that?" asked Harry.

"It was an accident!"

"You masturbated in the tub on accident?"

"No, I got th' stuff in the water. And it's so gross too. It sticked to the hair on my legs and it makes my pants, like, stick to my legs."

"Wow, that is too much info," I said disgustingly.

"Yeah, Drew. That's just sick," Harry agreed.

"What? I've only done it, like, twice." He looks at Heath, who is having a conversation with Tad and Pablo. "Hey, Heath!" Have you ever jacked off in the tub?"

"Yeah," he replies.

"What happened?"

"The sperm floated for a while and then it stuck to the skin on my arm."

"See? See? I told you," Drew said to me and Harry.

"God, you're disgusting!"

Oh, and I quit Mime Troupe. Never again, will I join. Partly because I think it's pointless fo rme to join, and partly because my mom scheduled flute lessons every Thursday and Saturday. Yep.

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