*sigh*
2003-04-19, 8:08 p.m.

It's come to the point where I'm starting to doubt who I am and where I belong. What am I supposed to do with myself? How am I supposed to behave towards people that seem to have... changed. Or they've stayed the same childish person.

I don't know why I expected Lathan to change. You'd think he'd mature a little after starting high school. For a while it seemed he did, but now I'm beginning to see who he truly is. I don't think I like that person very much. I'm trying so hard to make the relationship work. He's never followed around or shown too much affection. Hell, when do I ever see him?

But Lathan doesn't try to do anything with the relationship. I seem to be the only person putting any effort into it. While I'm sitting on the couch with my arms crossed, he flirts his ass of with Laredis. Again. The fact that he flirts with other girls doesn't bother me. But when I see him I expect him to behave himself.

Today at Laredis' house while I was on the couch to his left (Laredis on his right) he practically ignored me the whole time. Only every once in a while did he remember I was there and said something. Then he quickly went back to Laredis. Do you realize how much that hurts?

He didn't even notice the change in my appearance today. Since the day he met me I've looked the same. How can one not notice that I look different? I went from kinky, curly hair, to fucking straight. And he didn't notice! That says something. When he gets a haircut I can tell, even though his hair is always short. And that's only a small change. He didn't notice that my hair, which normally went an inch passed my shoulders, now went down to my waist. How can you not notice that?!

He never shows affection, either. Ever. That time I went to his house was probably the only time that I ever got anything from him. The only time he shows anything is when he has something up his sleeve. Usually, it's to tickle me, but there's always a motive.

I've kept my hands to myself today, though. Throughout the day I kept myself from smothering him with affection. He was never kissed; his hand never held. But when I at last did show him something he shoved me away. "Don't touch me," he said to me. "I'm mad at you." What the fuck did I do? The only thing I did was sit there and watch him flirt with stupid Laredis! And what did he do after that? He went back to her! He shoved me away, turned around, and started flirting again. I barely managed to calm myself down and hold back the pain. He will never see me cry. Ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even with him. He obviously doesn't give a damn about me. He doesn't care about how much he hurts me. And it does hurt, just because I do like him.

I'm willing to make the relationship work, but I can't do it on my own. If Lathan doesn't shape up he'll force me to let him go.

Once he told me that he's never broken up with his girlfriends, that they'd dumped him. Now I see why.

The number of non-straight friends has risen yet again today. Today's number is... 11! Yes, folks! 11 gay/bi friends. Who admitted today... I can't say. Sorry. Special orders not to 'cause he thinks someone's going to read this thing... whatever.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, so I guess I'll just leave it at that... Yeap. Excuse me while I ignore Lathan for the rest of my life.

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