Friendless and Grandmaless
August 07, 2003, 10:19 a.m.

Last night I went to bed at two, but I never really got to sleep 'til 3:30. Until then, thoughts kept running through my head over and over again. Most of it was just about thinks that never really bother me, that I would never think twice about.

Do you realize how rare it is for me to actually think? To examine my life just as it is from a point of view not like my own? It's not often, I'll tell you that.

But throughout all these thoughts, only two stood out: I miss my grandmother, and I miss my friend.

My grandmother was a the steriotypical granmum. She always offered me candy or food-- such things were her job, I guess. And she always showered me with hugs and kisses. I never really cared because I enjoyed the affection. I could always speak to her about my problems, though I never really had any. Thoughts and stories always sprouted from mouth that awed me or made me laugh, but she never made me cry. She even told me about her heritage and mine.

I remember everything she has done for me, but I can barely remember her face. It only comes back to me in smiling faces, because those smiles are frozen for eternity in pictures. The way her face came alive, the blue of her eyes all have begun to fade away from my memory. *sigh* I miss her so much.

I think she knew she was going to die, though. Half of the year she spends in Morganton, NC, and she doesn't usually call home from there. Maybe once or twice. The last time she called was a several days before her death. Usually, she'll say something to the extent of "I miss you, but I'll see you in November," but she didn't promise me at that time. I never did catch on until later, after her death. This was near the end of October. She died in the beginnning of November.

The second person is very much alive, but our friendship is almost completely dead. I've always enjoyed his company, though it was only through my monitor. Things used to be great between us. I'd talk to him everyday, and he had a funny way of making me laugh. And he made me think. Matt is a very intelligent person, probably the smartest one I know.

And if anyone ever asked me who I thought the perfect guy was, I'd tell you that it's Matt. He's the only guy I've ever truly loved, and he's the only to ever break my heart. It seemed that everything fell apart when he kissed his current girlfriend Ana. Can't say I didn't expect him to get snagged.

And with this woman in his life he's learned to basically forget about me and everything we had. And everytime I try to salvage something he manages to shut me out:

Miamigurl123 (11:24:55 AM): Humph.

excerebroser signed off at 11:31:25 AM.

excerebroser signed on at 11:45:53 AM.

Miamigurl123 (11:51:41 AM): I. Am. Mad. At. You.

excerebroser (11:51:54 AM): Whah!

Miamigurl123 (11:53:46 AM): You're mean, you meany.

excerebroser (11:53:59 AM): ?

Miamigurl123 (11:54:33 AM): Don't play innocent, boy. -_-

excerebroser (11:54:43 AM): Hello!

Miamigurl123 (11:54:59 AM): Now you say hello, huh?

Miamigurl123 (11:55:11 AM): Where was it earlier?

Miamigurl123 (11:55:17 AM): Where was it yesterday?

Miamigurl123 (11:55:24 AM): Harumph. You don't love me no mo'.

excerebroser (11:56:00 AM): http://sinfest.net/d/20030730.html

excerebroser (12:00:22 PM): *love*

Miamigurl123 (12:01:51 PM): Harumph.

excerebroser (12:02:08 PM): I's sowwy.

excerebroser (12:02:16 PM): The modem's been a pain a lot, lately.

excerebroser (12:02:59 PM): I plan to get an external modem, soon.

Miamigurl123 (12:04:02 PM): Oh.

excerebroser (12:04:24 PM): Yus.

excerebroser (12:05:05 PM): I must go, now.

excerebroser (12:05:12 PM): We's paintin' the haus, and stuff.

excerebroser signed off at 12:05:51 PM.

The majority of our conversations are like that. They're very short compared to the hours at a time we'd spend talking to eachother.

He doesn't read my journal anymore, either. He used to, and awaited every single entry, and I'd watch for his. But after he abandoned his, he soon abandoned mine.

So this diary is now mine own again. No one reads it but me anymore, but that's fine. It seems that the more my friends read about me, the more trouble I get into. *sigh* It's going to be a long day.

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