Depression
April 25, 2004, 10:59 p.m.

I'm so tired of life in general. Everything is so crappy now that there's nothing else I can do but collapse into tears. However, no one will ever see me have a nervous breakdown, because I'm not one to show my sadness.

Things have gone from bad to worse, and this transition was made yesterday, as you well know. Life has been a depressing, constant state, but now it's gotten to be where it's nearly intolerable. I don't like being alone anymore-- especially with someone of the opposite sex. This even includes my brother. The only person I can stay with is Pi, and only because I feel the safest around him.

I can't stay around my father, either, for obvious reasons. I'm afraid he'll get pissed and do something that he and I would regret. My father tends to be abusive. He once beat my brother to the ground, and only stopped punching him after he was seperated by my mother.

I can't even feel safe around Benji, because he's proven twice that he will never be there for me when I need him most.

It seems that I am alone now with but one person to turn to. It seems I don't have any real friends, and I never have.

When Drew forced himself on me, what was everyone's reaction? "Get over it, Allison, he does stuff like that all the time!" and "You should be used to that stuff by now. It's not that big a deal."

And when the other guy did the same thing, my so-called defender tried to walk out of the room, and only stayed after I called his name and gave him a nasty look.

What happens when next time I'm not so lucky and clothes will go? Will you guys just stand around and do nothing? Do you not care of my own well-being? Are you too fucking self-absorbed with your own selves to care whether I get hurt? Well, it seems like it.

Hell, the only people who ever seem to show any concern about me are those who I talk to online. Everyone else-- Keriane, Alice, Benjamin, Liana, Heath, Gaby, etc-- have never been there for me when you had the chance to. I've been betrayed by you all, and I could never fully forgive you for that. You people are part of the reason why I've lost my innocence, why most of my joy has been taken from me. Thank you very much.

There's no one who seems to care about Allison. Most ignore her and tease her about every little thing. She's been called a slut, a bitch, an ass, ugly, stupid, and other words that people don't realize the pain that's caused.

It seems that everyone has gotten their entertainment by teasing me. I may laugh when you insult me, but I'm not laughing on the inside. I'm never laughing with my full being. I haven't in a while.

I hate writing such entries like these. I hate being upset like this, and I hate for everyone else to see me so upset. But I'm afraid that this has to be done, so I can be a little happier for the rest of the night.

Happy? Hah. Right. The only time I am ever hapy is when I'm with Pi. The conversations I have with many in my life are completely shallow and consist of why food doesn't fall off of a fork when you lift it straight up. Or when I watch grown men screw up a bowl of salad by putting salt and pepper and sugar, coke, slaad dressing, cheese, and the cheese grater itself in it, and then be amused by putting a ravioli in the grater and watch the gooey pieces ooze from it. That is my life. This is why I'm not happy. No one acts like they should, and no one is ever there for me when I need them, save for Pi and Kenny.

No one has been there for me like Pi, though even he himself has his faults. Pi hasn't spoken badly against me in years, and he and Kenny are the only ones to tell me that I'm beautiful. They are the only ones who are there for me-- or at least try to when something goes wrong.

And look who we're talking about! Kenny and Pi! Yes, Pi's to be expected, but not Kenny. I've known Kenny the least amount of time than I've known everyone else, yet he is the only other person that I associate in real life to ask me if I was okay. I haven't even heard from Jimmie-- my so-called best friend, who hasn't even tried to contact me since yesterday. Kenny has been a truer friend to me than many, and it is only he that deserves my friendship.

Geez, I can't type anymore. I shall finish up my lab report, then lock myself in the room. If you're wondering where I'm at, I'll probably be there.

Not that you'll be looking.

Ta-ta.

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